playmate of the apes

Well, there are softcore movies. And there are B-Movies. And then there’s this movie.

Released in 2002 from Seduction Cinema, I’m not exactly sure how I would describe it, in terms of genre. Ostensibly is it a parody of the Planet Of The Apes film, although I guess the timing of its production indicates that it’s more likely inspired by the Tim Burton remake. John Bacchus directed this film, which he co-“wrote” with John Paul Fedele. Three astronauts, in this case all happen to be beautiful lesbians, are on a spaceship that crashes on a planet which they discover is ruled by intelligent talking apes, who subjugate their planet’s human population. The local humans are all mute and rather childlike. The evil ape leaders want to capture the women, and cage them like the rest of the humans on this planet, but with the help of some nice apes who sympathize with them, the humans fight for their freedom and try to find a way back to Earth.

So that’s pretty much the story. Except this includes lots and lot of female nudity and lesbian sex. And it excludes decent acting, or special effects.

I mean, there’s “low-budget” and then there’s “no budget.” This is an example of the latter.

Erin Brown, much better known as the legendary Misty Mundae, stars as the commander of the astronauts, Gaylor. Her two fellow astronauts are Lt. Pushkintucushkin (Anoushka) and Lt. Fornication (Sharon Engert). All three actresses spend about 90% of their onscreen time either naked or at least topless. Pushkintucushkin and Fornication were having lesbian sex in their spaceship and got carried and hit something which caused the ship to crash on the ape-planet. They get out and walk around looking for shelter and, after skinny-dipping in a lake, Gaylor gets separated from the others and is captured by some apes, who lock her in cage with a local human woman, dressed in a loincloth bikini, whom she names Uvula (played by Darian Cane), and they have sex in the cage.

Debbie Rochon plays Dr. Cornholius. a good ape scientist who beliefs in defending the rights of humans, while Bacchus himself plays General Laid, the evil ape general who wants to eradicate humans. Both wear ape costumes that look as realistic as if they’d been bought from a local dime-store costume shop. Oh, yeah, and there’s a pink gay ape too, because of course there is.

So throughout the rest of this film, Cornholius (and the pink ape) tries to help the humans escape through the woods, as General Laid’s ape troops chase after them. Along the way there are several dancing, singing, and rapping performances (yes, really). And more female nudity and lesbian sex. Once reunited, Gaylor, Pushkintucushkin, and Fornication have a threeway. Shelby Taylor plays “The Barbarian Queen” a primitive human who can nonetheless talk. She has sex with Gaylor, and then later with Uvula. And then there is sort of a four-way, as Gaylor and Pushkintucushkin get down on a blanket and have sex while Fornication and Uvula have sex next to them.

I won’t spoil the ending, but there is a PLOT TWIST.

It’s hard to really criticize this film, since it’s clear that they’re not even trying to be taken seriously on any level. The only thing worth watching this for is to see naked women making out. And, while the leading actresses are attractive, and their sex scene are rather hot (lots of deep french-kissing and licking of each other’s breasts), and I can’t say they’re worth purchasing or sitting through this movie for. Chacebook rating: 2 STARS



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