SOFTCORE FILMS

BIKINI JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF EROS


Dr. Bikini Jones goes in search of the Lost Temple of Eros using a sacred Golden Idol as her guide. Her nemesis Evilla Cruella and her henchmen are at her heels in a race through the rugged dinosaur infested country of Moronica. Who will get there first?

This Indiana Jones spoof is another softcore “classic” from Retromedia. Written and directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina), it stars Christine Nguyen as Dr. Bikini Jones. She’s working for CIA director Mr. Martin (Ted Newsom), to steal a special golden idol from criminal mastermind Evilla Cruella (Heather Vandeven). The idol contains a code which gives the location of the Temple of Eros, where you can find the Tiara of Aisha, which whoever wears it becomes the Empress of the nation of Moronica, where dinosaurs somehow still live. There you go, that’s the plot. No, I don’t know why it’s so important to anyone to be the Empress of Moronica (if I could rule a nation, I’d prefer one without dinosaurs, but that’s just me), but that’s not really important because, let’s face it, you’re not watching this movie for the plot.

It opens with Bikini Jones disguised in a sexy french maid uniform, sneaking into the top floor of a building, to steal the idol, which is just sitting on a desk in what looks to be regular office. Instead of just taking it and getting the heck out of there, she calls Mr. Martin to tell him she found it, first. Then she’s surprised by an armed security guard (Brynn Tyler), who agrees to let her go and not tell anyone, in exchange for sex. So the two women go at it in a pretty hot lesbian session.

Then after meeting with Mr. Martin, to show him the idol, Bikini Jones takes it back to her place. The agreement she made with him is that she would steal it for the C.I.A. and give it to them after she’s used it to crack the secret code. Back at her home, she takes a shower, and we get a nice long scene of her washing herself, culminating in masturbation. When she gets out she’s greeted by Carol Summers (Rebecca Love), a special agents sent by Mr. Martin to help her crack the code. Carol offers to give Bikini Jones a massage, and Bikini Jones takes her up on the offer. But the “massage” turns out to be hot lesbian sex on a bed.

Evilla sends her henchman Drago (Frankie Cullen) to Bikini Jones’ house to steal the idol, and he dons a luchador mask to get it. But Bikini Jones catches him red-handed at gunpoint, except Carol sneaks up behind her and knocks her out. She’s working for Evilla, and she and Drago run off with the idol. When Bikini Jones comes to, she goes to meet with Mr. Martin and informs her that she put a tracking device on the idol, and can use that to track it down again. But she’s acting a little flakey, which Mr. Martin thinks it’s because of getting hit on the head and knocked out, but she swears that she’s fine.

Mr. Martin calls another C.I.A. agent, Mark X (that’s Mark “Ten”), played by Billy Chappell (as Tony Marino) to help Bikini Jones retrieve the idol. But first we see Mark X having sex in bed with a beautiful woman, played by Jayden Cole. Then we see Drago and Carol giving the idol to Evilla, who sends Carol to go back to Bikini Jones and then rewards Drago’s loyalty by having sex with him.

Back at Bikini Jones’ house, Carol arrives and claims she had been kidnapped by Drago but managed to escaped. Bikini Jones tells her about the tracker, but it’s broken and she’s trying to fix it. Then Mark X shows up and offers to help fix the tracker, so Bikini Jones leaves him and Carol there, to go to a doctor’s appointment that Mr. Martin set up for her to make sure her head is alright. At the hospital, the doctor turns out to be Drago, who gives her a special pill that makes her incredibly horny and they have sex (uh, I think that’s technically rape…).

Then back to Bikini Jones’ house, where Mark X fixes the tracker. But Carol tries to distract him, so he can’t find the idol, by having sex with him. Afterwards, Mark X puts Carol in handcuffs, saying he knows that she’s not the real Carol Summers, and then he leaves. We see Drago taking Bikini Jones, with a leash around her neck, to meet Evilla, who wants to force her to find out where the Temple of Eros is. Bikini Jones fakes being on Evilla’s side now, and to prove her loyalty has a threesome with Evilla and Drago. Then they arrive in Moronica, where they see a dinosaur walking around, and Bikini escapes from them and meets up with Mark X who is also in Moronica. They find the temple, and grab the Tiara of Aisha, but then Evilla and Drago arrive and pull a gun on them. But then Mr. Martin, wearing a dress and lipstick, arrives and pulls a gun on all of them, and takes the Tiara for himself. He declares himself the new Empress of Moronica and goes outside, where he is promptly eaten by the dinosaur. THE END.

Okay, the plot is silly, but this film is saved by the 7 sex scenes. Nguyen, Love, Vandeven, Cullen, and Chappell are all softcore veterans who know how to make the sex look real and passionate . And newcomers Tyler and Cole also perform extremely well. Nguyen’s two lesbian scenes, with Tyler and Love, are the highlights, and I also loved the threesome, which is something you don’t see in these softcore films as often as I’d like. Even Nguyen’s solo shower scene was smokin’ hot. Director Ray/Medina is master at this type of film by now, and brings out the best in his performers.

So when you fast forward through the dialog, and get to the sex, this film rates 5 STARS.

Bikini Jones & The Temple of Eros is available on AMAZON.COM

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