When mild mannered Miles Long, dedicated gynecologist, is exposed to a radioactive pussy fart, he becomes Captain Hardon, champion of the sexually repressed. Battling the guilt mongers who rob us of our identities and bend our libidos to their will, he fights for truth, justice, and a little pussy, when he can get it!
Captain Hard-On was a comic-strip that ran in Hustler Magazine back in the 80’s. An over-the-top sexually explicit series, written and drawn by Dan Collins, with humor based on sexism, racism, and as non-politically correct as you can get, with no redeeming social value whatsoever.
In other words: IT’S AWESOME.
The first story opens with a brief recap of his origin and sets up the status quo. Whenever nebbish Miles Long gets an erection he transforms into the muscle-bound superhero Captain Hard-On (complete with a costume and a mask). In his first adventure he fights and evil scientist named Jerry, who lives in a castle with his legion of gray monsterous minions he called The Fallwellians. He intends to use a giant ray gun to broadcast a worldwide message via television which will make every celibate. Captain Hard-On must race to the castle to try to stop Jerry before that can happen.
That description should give you an idea of the tone of this series. For the most part just the titles of the rest of the stories should also paint a mental picture of what you can expect. In the second story CAPTAIN HARD-ON MEETS BLACKMAN, the captain faces a costumed supervillain named Blackman who killed a prostitute with his giant cock and then robbed a soul food restaurant of all of it’s food. Miles just so happened to be in the neighborhood doing charity work at a local free clinic, and ends up confronting Blackman, as Captain Hard-On, and they have a fist fight until the Captain realizes that Blackman is not really a bad guy, he’s just a victim of society. So they call a truce, and the Captain promises to help Blackman get a job.
Next Captain Hard-On faces GODZELDA, a female version of Godzilla, who happens to be really horny and goes around to try to get off using building and the Washington monument as dildos. Next a gang of ugly green aliens land in the city and kidnap a bunch of women, including Miles’ busty nurse, Gloria Glans, planning to rape them, and he must change into Captain Hard-On and rescue them women from the spaceship. Then The captain is recruited by President Ronald Reagan to fight a giant, red-skinned, naked radioactive female supervillain.
Next, in THE COSMIC COCKROACHES, an alien invasion commences, this time it’s a bunch of instectoid alien, but this time the Captain is joined by his ally, a superheroine called LOTTA WOMAN (who has huge, super-strong boobs). They team up and defeat the aliens. But this story is out of order, as they next story ENTER DR. POONTANG, features the origin of Lotta Woman. Miles is on a date that he was set up by a matchmaking service. She’s a nerdy looking woman named Lotta Beaver. But during the date she’s kidnapped by a mad scientist, Dr. Poontang, who intends to use for a scientific experiment where he takes ugly girls and makes them beautiful, and then turn them into prostitutes for him. Miles changes into Captain Hard-On, and races to Poontang’s secret lab to rescue, but doesn’t get there until after Poontang has already transformed into a amazon with super-strength (and the aforementioned super boobs). Together they beat Dr. Poontang, and destroy his lab, then the Captain tells Lotta that he’s really Miles Long, and she pledges to join him fighting evil.
In the next story, THE GLOB, Captain Hard-On and Lotta Woman team up against a version of The Blob that is terrorizing a small town. Except this blog is made out of radioactive semen. They defeat it by capturing it in a giant condom. In the next story Captain Hard-On accidentally falls in a crack in the ground and lands in Hell. He meets the Devil (who looks like Pee Wee Herman), who won’t let him go unless the Captain defeats the Devil’s three greatest champions in a gladiator match, while all of Hell watches. So Cap faces Wrecking Balls Washington (a big Black man) Dragon Lady (a green woman who can breath fire) and The Spermacidal Maniac (a big guy carrying what looks like a flame-throwing, except is shoot huge amounts of sperm). The Captain eventually gets out of Hell, but the ending is left ambiguous, as to whether it really even happened or if it was just a dream.
Next up Captain Hard-On is kidnapped by a legion of NAZI NYMPHOS who want to use his super sperm to impregnate all of them so that they can give birth to a “master race.” In WHORROR HOUSECALL, Miles falls of a boat, when he was on a cruise, and washes up on an island with a mysterious castle, which turns out to be fill with a female vampire, werewolf, and Frankenstein-ish monster. In FEAR & LUSTING ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL, Captain and Lotta Woman team up to expose a Presidential candidate who is really a supervillain. Next the Captain faces a female swamp monster in THE CREATURE FROM THE PINK LAGOON, then he battles RAMBRA, a radical feminist who is transformed into a rampaging monster, ala The Hulk. Then the Captain and Lotta Woman face THE RAPE ARTIST, who goes around raping women at art galleries and art classes. They set a trap for him by having Lotta pose as a nude model, and when the villain breaks in an tries to rape him, she uses her super-strong pussy muscles to trap his cock inside her and then knock him out. And then in REDNECK DAWN, Miles and Nurse Glans are driving through a small southern town on the way back from a medical convention, when they stop in a local diner and Gloria is almost assaulted by a band of rednecks. Miles turns into Captain Hard-On to fight off the men and save Gloria, who still doesn’t know that he’s really Miles.
RESERECTION takes place in the future, the year 90210. Another mad scientist, Clonus D. Boner, attempts to clone a new version of the ancient hero Captain Hard-On, so he can forcibly mate him with a female alien creature and create a new super race of beings. He succeeds in cloning Miles Long, who turns into the Captain and fights off the alien and stop Dr. Boner.
Back in the present, Captain Hard-On fights the vicious REVEREND WILDMAN, whose got the power to shoot lighting bolts from his hands. He uses his powers to destroy a porno store, then kidnaps a hooker and takes her to his church to make a human sacrifice to God. It’s up to the good Captain to save the day. Next in ROBOHO, another Mad Scientist (Collins sure likes pitting the Captain against “mad scientists”), this one Black, creates a big Black female-looking robot, to be the ultimate sex machine. After an accident blows up his lab, the robot is left to wander the streets (naked of course), looking for sex, but ending up killing all the men who have sex with her. Captain Hard-On fights the robot, but is almost overwhelmed, and has to call in Lotta Woman to help him. In THE SPERMINATOR, an alien cyborg has a spaceship that runs on cum. She runs low and has to stop on Earth to refuel. She steals all the contents from a sperm bank but when she runs into Captain Hard-On, she tries to force him onto her ship, so his super-sperm can keep filling her tank. Then Captain fights THE T&A TEAM. A busty female version of the TV show A-Team are out to destroy the porn industry, starting with blowing up the building of “Cunthouse” Magazine. And the final story in this collection is ATTACK OF THE TURD PEOPLE. ’nuff said.
Okay, I know this wasn’t much of a “review”, but this really is the kind of book you have see for yourself. No explanation will do it justice. The stories are simplistic, as I noted the preponderance of Mad Scientists as villains, but they’re all just meant to be short and funny. Whether you find them funny will depend on your disposition. Do NOT read this book if you’re easily offended. The humor is definitely crass. The art is surprisingly good. It’s like a slightly more cartoonish version of Jack Kirby’s style. Captain Hard-On is drawn impossibly muscular, while almost all of the women who appear in this book are tall with huge boobs. And non-White characters are drawn with exaggerated racial features (Blacks have big lips, etc.). Hey, it’s not high-art, but I enjoyed it for what it is.
Chacebook rating: FIVE STARS
Categories: EROTIC (ie "Adults Only") COMIC-BOOKS