In 2008 J.J. Abrams produced his brilliant found-footage monster movie Cloverfield, and in 2009 Jim Wynorski produced this softcore porn parody. Directing under the name Salvador Ross, from a script written by “Fargo Gondorf”, which I’m going to assume is another pseudonym of his, Wynosrki assembled a group of busty actresses and got to work.

Like the original, this film opens with a note onscreen telling us that what follows is video footage recovered from the disaster site formerly known as “La-La Land,” indicating that this takes place in Los Angeles instead of New York.

Frankie Cullen and Brandin Rackley star as Tom and Maggie, and the film opens with them having sex in their apartment in Beverly Hills. Tom works for The Travel Channel, and always has a video camera on him, and he “interviews” Maggie after they finish. A news report on the radio talks about a “large green object” being seen splashing into Santa Monica beach.

That night Tom and Maggie go to a party at a friend’s apartment in downtown Los Angeles. Amy Reid is their friend Vicky, who is leaving the next day for a four-month trip to Japan where she’ll be stripping at an exclusive club. To celebrate, Vicky and Maggie strip together for the appreciative party-goers. While they do that, Tom sneaks off into a bedroom where he finds Carla and Debbie (Rebecca Love and Lucia Santos) having sex. He videotapes them for a while, before joining in.

Afterward, that’s when the monster actors. Everyone hears loud noises, the ground shakes, people run outside. Tom, Maggie, Vicky, Carla, and Debbie go up to the roof of the building and see a series of explosions in the distance, and they decide to leave too. Now outside in the inexplicably empty streets, they get their first glimpse of the monster, which basically looks like a giant balloon of Godzilla that you’d see in the Thanksgiving Day parade.

The group runs into some building, where they meet a guy named Matt (Barrett Blade), who works there and isn’t sure about letting them stay. Vicky makes a deal with him, in which she takes him into a back room and has sex with him, in exchange for letting them stay. Unfortunately, all that fucking was for naught, as Maggie realized that she left her little dog Fifi back in her apartment in Beverly Hills, and most go back to rescue her, and everyone else agrees to go with her, so they leave.

The group encounters the monster on the street again, this time it sneezes and blows green slime (I guess it’s snot) all over them. Thankfully there’s a strip club right across the streets, where they all go to take a shower.

And if you’ve seen a Jim Wynorski film, you know what to expect when 4 hot women are taking a shower together.

Tom raids the lockers to get a bunch of clothes the strippers must have left behind, for the women to change into. And they head back out. They make it to Maggie’s apartment, where they find FiFi and take her. Wondering where to go next, Tom says they need to find a safe zone, somewhere “the monster would never want to go,” to which Vicky suggests Burbank. So that’s where they’re headed.

But back on the street, Debbie is attacked and bitten by a giant flying insect, which we learn fell off of the monster, but then she’s saved by three soldiers, who take them back to some military bunker for debriefing.

Chris De Christopher, Mark Weiler, and Dannon Green are the soldiers, identified as General Mayhem, Private Lapdance, and Corporal Punishment. Seeing that she’s been bit, Corporal Punishment takes Debbie to the infirmary. General Mayhem says that women bitten by those creatures tend to experience “uncontrollable breast expansion,” although this plot point is never followed up on. Instead, Debbie and the Corporal just have sex.

Then there’s a segment where the General asks the women a bunch of random questions, to see if they know the answers. Like asking them to complete the sentence: “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t…” And the ladies all give stupid answers. Wynorski had a similar scene in The Devil Wears Nada and this one is just as unfunny and pointless to me. It’s about 3 minutes long, but it felt longer. I can only guess that Wynorski does this when he needs to pad out a movie but doesn’t have more story for it? The film is only an hour and ten minutes long as it is, not counting the end credits.

Carla is taken to Sargeant Brandywine, who is played by Julie K. Smith, for a private examination, which involves them both getting naked and having sex. Then the Sargeant is assigned to go with the group to Burbank. But when they get back on the street, they’re corned by the monster again and run into another building. They all figure that they’re trapped now and won’t survive and decide to make on late video for “their fans.” So all the ladies get naked and dance for the camera. We see the monster watching through the window with a wink. THE END.

Also included in this film are Davina Murphy and Dallas Lowe, who play a couple of bikini models that Tom filmed in Hawaii a week before the events of the film. Throughout this film, several scenes of the two of them frolicking on the beach in bikinis are spliced in, and that includes one full sex scene of the two of them. Tallulah Blankhead appears in the opening credits as an unnamed woman who is running from the monster, but she doesn’t have an actual role.

Going into this film I didn’t exactly have high expectations, and the low bar was not exceeded. Even for Wynoski, whose output in this period was rather formulaic, this film comes off as lazy. It’s not without its positives, the women are attractive and the sex scenes we get are hot, but there aren’t enough of them to give this film a high recommendation. Chacebook rating: THREE STARS

Jason Majercik is selling the UNRATED DVD for $26.99. Email him at quinn_nash@hotmail.com for his softcore inventory list.