SOFTCORE FILMS

THE GIRL FROM B.I.K.I.N.I.

This film is from 2007, and was written and directed by softcore expert Fred Olen Ray, under the name Nicholas Medina. It is ostensibly a spoof on spy movies, and stars Beverly Lynne as Tanya X, a secret agent from the Bureau of International Knowledge Intelligence and Nonstandard Investigations. The following summary will contain spoilers but, let’s face it, it’s not like anyone watches these films for the PLOT, right?

The film opens in Moscow, where Tanya is in bed with a man named Nikitia (Anthony Hardwood). After a way-too-short sex scene, Tanya gets up while Nikita is still asleep, and opens a briefcase of his and takes pictures of the files in it, which are all marked Top Secret. Nikita awakes, and tries to hold Tanya at gunpoint, but she manages to knock him out (with a slap in the face). Then she makes her way back to B.I.K.I.N.I. headquarters in America, and gives the film to her boss, Mr. Whatley (Brad Bartram). Whatley then gives Tanya her next assignment. There’s a satellite radio station which the various U.S. Government Intelligence agencies (including B.I.K.I.N.I., the F.B.I., the C.I.A., etc.) use to share information via secret codes, but the station has been hacked (or something), and now all their secrets are at risk. They’ve gotten a call from an informant, who claims to have information about who is behind it, and Whatley sends Tanya to go see her.

The informant happens to be a stripper named Patty Mercury (Nicole Sheridan). So Tanya goes to the strip club, and we see Patty performing a strip-tease on stage. After the show, Tanya goes backstage to talk to Patty to get the information, but Patty is reluctant to tell her too much, so Tanya tries to seduce the info out of her, and we treated to a girl/girl lesbian scene in the dressing room, which I have to say is not as hot as I’d expected. But at least Sheridan is speaking normally, and not using the fake stereotypical “Blonde airhead” voice that I’ve seen her use in other softcore films. Anyway, right as the sex is reaching it’s climax (in more ways than one), Patty is shot from behind by a poisoned dart, and drops dead. Tanya freaks out and runs out of there (presumably leaving Patty’s dead body in the room, which I’m sure wouldn’t raise any suspicions with the local authorities), and goes back to see Mr. Whatley and tell him what happened.

Whatley has the dart tested, and reveals that is was a special poison, found only in Asia. So he sends Tanya to see a man named Randolph Davis (XXX Legend Randy Spears), while pretending to be an reporter for some magazine. It’s not explained exactly who Davis is, or why he may be connected to any of this, but Tanya arrives at his private beach house, and asks him some questions under the guise of interviewing him for her magazine. But Davis becomes suspicious when he goes to fix her drink and sees her snooping around his house, specifically she looks through a briefcase, which is sitting wide-open in Davis’ living room, full of documents clearly marked Top Secret (how careless…and convenient). So Davis slips something in Tanya’s drink and gives it to her. After a few sips she appears to be drunk and the two of them have sex on the couch in the living room, after which Tanya passes out.

Tanya wakes up in her car, in the parking lot of B.I.K.I.N.I. headquarters, feeling a bit hungover, and goes in to see Mr. Whatley. She barely remembers having sex with Davis, and also mentions having sex with Davis’ gardener (although that was not shown), and tells Whately that she saw the name Fay Wong International Exports on the Top Secret documents in Davis’ briefcase. Whately says that Fay Wong is a Chinese Crime-lord, who must be behind the hacking of the radio station, and tells Tanya to find out as much as she can about her.

When then switch to a castle in China, where we see Fay Wong (played by XXX star Gianna Lynn), who is approached by her henchman, Mong Lee (XXX star Evan Stone, who is not even remotely Asian), who tells her that he’s heard from Randolph Davis, who has warned them about Tanya X being on the trail. Fay then orders Mong to have sex with her, in a scene that is surprisingly bland, considering that it’s two pro pornstars in action. Maybe it’s because they’re both used to having sex on camera for real, instead of just faking it? I dunno.

Tanya goes home, with some Chinese food, and takes a shower. We’re treated to a nice long shower scene, with Tanya using the shower head to masturbate. When she gets out, she’s confronted by a masked man in her bedroom, but Tanya rather easily takes him down in hand to hand combat, and finds out that it’s Mark Ten (Alexandre Boisvert aka “Voodoo”), a C.I.A. agent (and, apparently, an ex-lover of hers). He’s there because he wants her help. The C.I.A. has discovered the Rhinehart family, who are the official owners of the satellite radio station, may be in danger from the Fay Wong criminal organization, in particular the daughter of the family, Samantha Rhinehart, and he wants her to stay at Tanya’s house, to be safe. Tanya isn’t sure, until Samantha (played by Rebecca Love) shows up, and both she and Mark are blown away by how hot she is (I can’t blame them). After sitting down and talking for a little bit, the three of them have a really hot b/g/g threesome on the couch.

Tanya and Mark then go back to B.I.K.I.N.I. headquarters to tell Mr. Whatley about Samantha, but Whatley doesn’t approve of the idea of Tanya watching her, because he wants to send Tanya to China to face Fay Wong. But Mong Lee has gone to Tanya’s house, wearing a fat-suit, and pretending to be a traveling salesman, and knocks out Samantha. When Tanya and Mark shows up, he knocks them out too, and then kidnaps Samantha and takes her back to China with him. When Fay Wong see Samantha, she intends to keep her as a hostage, but then forces Samantha to have sex with her and Fays’s henchwoman, Kim Chee (played by blonde XXX star Lacie Heart, who is also extreme non-Asian). This long lesbian threesome is VERY hot.

Afterwards, Samantha is tied up naked in a dungeon, under some mechanical device that threatens to chop her breasts off. But Tanya breaks in at the last minute, knocks out Mong, and gets Samantha outside, after which Mark sets off a bomb which destroys the castle and everyone in it. They go back to America to see Mr. Whatley, and all is well.

THE END.

Verdict? Well, as far as softcore films go, I wouldn’t call this a classic. The “acting” is pretty basic. The DVD includes a “blooper reel,” showing several of the actors flubbing their lines in different scenes. I’m guessing that there wasn’t a whole lot of rehearsal before filmning this. But the film doesn’t take itself too seriously to begin with, so that’s alright. Although Beverly Lynne is the star, and does a great job in her sex scenes (her fake orgasms are very realistic) I’d say the film is worth watching primarily for the presence of Rebecca Love, who appears in the two best scenes. That is one hot, busty, redhead. She was great in The Witches of Breastwick 2, and is great here. It’s a short movie, with the story ending around 1 hour and 17 minutes, not counting the end-credits. It maybe could have used a couple of extra sex scenes to fill it out. I’m surprised they didn’t add one with Beverly Lynne and Brad Bartram, since Bartram has done a fine job in several other softcore films that I’ve seen. I would have also added a one on one sex scene between Lynne and Boisvert, as their last scene implied that they would hook up again.

I’ll give this one 4 out of 5 stars.

THE GIRL FROM B.I.K.I.N.I.

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